


There's a Ghost In My Mouth And It Talks In My Sleep

by TheLibraryWitch



Series: I'm not Calling You a Liar (Just Don't Lie to Me) [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: >: 3 eventually, (End of Thor 1 because thats what it was okay), Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loki (Marvel) Gets a Hug, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Suicidal Thoughts, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, well he's really trying anyway though it does not always work out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2019-09-18 15:17:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16997469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLibraryWitch/pseuds/TheLibraryWitch
Summary: Thor's vague sense of concern continues to grow. Loki does not want to discuss anything, at all. Ever.Heimdall and Brunhilde are tired.





	1. Chapter 1

Thor looked up from his eggs as Valkyr- Val stumbled into the dining hall. He raised an eyebrow. Since beginning their journey aboard the statesman, Val’s drinking had lessened significantly compared to what seemed (to Thor’s brief impression, at least, supplemented by dry remarks by her and Loki at meals) to be her usual habits on Sakaar.

 

Though they had by no means stopped completely, it had been a few weeks at least since Thor had seen her inebriated enough to stumble around the ship, especially at what would probably be about 6 am, if the Statesman had any clocks.

 

_But who needs clocks on an orgy ship? Half the fun is that you can go for as long as people’s bodies can-_

Thor shivered, firmly shoving the memory aside in favor of paying attention to Val, who now seemed to be making her way in a zig zag beeline towards him.

 

_Wonderful._

 

She was not, however, hungover or drunk as Thor had assumed. As she neared his table, Thor quickly noticed that she seemed to be grasping her head in pain rather than dizziness or anything similar, and that there were multiple small cuts across her face and arms. A dark, ugly bruise was just beginning to form on the side of her neck.

 

His eyes widened.

 

There were very few people on this ship of refuges and misfit Sakaaarians that could do significant damage to Val in a fight, as he had found out the first week on the ship when, during one of her last significantly inebriated episodes, she had challenged half the lower deck to a wrestling match and won. After that, even of those who could possibly fight Val there were few, if any, who would be stupid enough to start anything.

 

The expert fighter in question plopped herself down, grabbed his plate of eggs and shoving a large forkful into her mouth, staring at him thoughtfully.

 

Thor said nothing. Val continued to chew. And stare. And chew.

 

“Sooooooo your brother” she finally began, Thor barely suppressing a groan.

 

 _A month. A month and everything seemed to be going relatively well…_.

 

She continued. “He got any kind of training?”

 

Thor stared at her blankly, as she asked a question as far away from anything he expected as possible.

 

“What?”

 

“You know, _training._ ” She swirled her fork in a slow circle, a small piece of yellow egg barely clinging to the end. She was giving him an odd look, though he could not for the life of him figure out what it meant.

 

“Oh but. Just him. Not you. Like. Training you definently do not have, sir, I take twenty minutes to wake up all the way and then still almost fall into Val on my way to the council meeting.

 

Anyway. You know. You wanted to be a Valkyrie, and failed, but did he ever want to be one? Did he put those shapeshifting skills to good use and join up for a year or two? Or something else, did your brother ever disappear and join a Scavenger cult? become a space pirate out of teenage angst? Pledge allegiance to an obscure warrior tradition specializing in hypervigilance and quiet assassination?”

 

“What” Thor repeated, cutting her off. “No. He did not, in fact he called me foolish for such a wish. Also no, no , no, and _no_. Quite frankly, the only time me and Loki were apart for any significant length of time was when he went to Alfheim for library training, so unless book categorization is the type of training you are referring to, no. People used to make jokes about us being joined at the hip.”

 

She was definitely giving him a weird look now, and a significant part of it was confusion. Another part of it was one he recognized well, a patented Loki eyebrow raise of _Thor you dumbass, I know something you don’t, notice it already before I have to take pity and tell you._

 

He sighed.

 

“Loki has no special training that I do not, outside of library science. We both began basic training as boys, and both completed it successfully, but I’m guessing you’re familiar with that.”

 

“Huh” Val slowly twirled the fork again, putting the nearly empty end into her mouth.

 

Thor decided to ask the obvious question.

 

“Why are you so beat up? What happened? Who could even _have_ happened? Also,”

he added after a moment “Why did you stumble in here at the crack of dawn looking like you got hit by a bilgesnipe and immediately demand what kind of training Loki has?”

 

“Your brother.”

 

Thor glared at her. “Yes. So you’ve said, so wh-“

 

“No. Your brother. The answer to your first question. He’s the one who did this.”

 

A ball of cold began to form, deep in Thor's stomach. It was followed closely by confusion and anger. Loki had seemed to be doing fine lately. A bit tired, easy to startle, but that had been present to some extent for their whole journey on the ship, and Thor had simply dismissed it as Loki being Loki. Then again,

 

_You never really listen do you? You only ever see, only have seen, what you want to. I am not the brother you want, or the one you think you had. So if you can’t -_

Thor shook his head. Loki had been angry, agitated by Thor’s demands of reconciliation if they were going to be on the same ship, working together, for the foreseeable future.

 

_-And by your incessant demands as to whether anything is wrong! What, I do not 'move' as often? What does that even mean? You have never been observant, Thor, its well nearly killed us enough times, and yet you choose now to fixate on the fact that I don’t, what, fidget? I’ve barely done that in years. Maybe all this responsibility is going to your head…._

 

No. Loki had been angry, and Loki lashed out when angry, covering his hurts with cutting words and bitter poison.

 

Loki had apologized later, explained that he was just tired, is all. And they had actually talked for once. Managed to agree that they would talk, and communicate, and resolve problems before they became an issue. They had agreed. Thor would have noticed. Loki was fine.

 

_He hid behind that last time, the ‘not technically an important issue’. What would Loki even consider an issue that needed to be shared with Thor, if half the ship was not on fire already-_

No. That was before. He promised.

_He never answered your question about the fidgeting. Something is wrong._

_You’ve barely seen him lately._

Sometimes Loki needed space.

 

_He knows he can come to me if he needs help. He does, I told him._

And crowding Loki, upset or not, only ever seemed to push him further away.

 

Loki was fine. There had to be more than what Val was saying.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Val must have seen something on his face, because she continued in a rush:

 

“He’s not- he didn’t - oh fuck it. I’m no good at these kinds of things. He didn’t mean it.”

 

Now Thor was just confused.

 

“What? He managed to slam you into a wall, choke you hard enough to bruise, slice every exposed surface with some sort of dagger and generally fight you hard enough that I would tell you to go see the healers if we still had any. I’ve seen him fight you, you bested him with barely a scratch. He would have had to be trying ridiculously hard, or just gotten really luck and caught you unawares, to do this, though I sincerely doubt the latter. How could he possibly ‘not mean it?’”

 

“Well, um” Val looked past him, seeming to stare at the empty space besides his head. “You should talk to your brother.”

 

“Yeah I’m getting that.”

 

“No just.” Her eyes came back to him. “I tried to wake him up. I tried to wake him up because the idiot has been worrying me lately and he’s always up at the crack of dawn anyway, also he promised to help me move the new supplies into the storage room. I figured now was a good a time as any, before there were too many people to block our path, so I went looking for him.”

 

At this point her expression turned guilty.

 

“I knew he wouldn’t like it, but what do I care, really. He wasn’t up, so I went to his rooms, the door opened so I assumed he was working on something.”

 

She looked Thor dead in the eyes now.

 

“You know, I’ve never seen your brother sleep. Not once, in all our time here. We’ve been in meetings at odd hours. I’ve caught him on break from helping out Bruce in that funky science room they have going, way past three in the morning. Hell, me and you have been with him and fallen asleep doing weird shit, but he never does. Anyway, it looked like he had fallen asleep working on some diagrams or something, those ones for a tesseract transport container you guys discussed, to block the signal and-”

 

“Val.” Thor interrupted. “Your point?”

 

“Well yeah. Long story short I poked him. This happened. He looked spooked as hell as soon as he recognized me, though. Then, poof. Bitch is gone. We might want to look for him by the way, with all of his comments on why ‘You can’t expect me to teleport on a moving vessel to grab stuff, one miscalculation and I could end up in spaaaace!’ and such.”

 

Thor stared at her, uncomprehending.

 

“You… poked him. ‘and then this happened’ ? Also, what do you mean 'as soon as he recognized you' ”

 

"I don't think he knew it was me at first. Don't really thing he thought I was anyone specific though. just. He was asleep. He was still asleep and the guys first instinct is to get me in a chokehold and try to stab me! His eyes were open, but not really, you know, all there. It took a while and you could see when he woke up all the way because stabby ninja autopilot turned off. That’s why I asked you if he had any training. I would assume yes, but then I realized that’s kind of the sort of training that would take a while, you know, and Loki’s mentioned wanting to become a Lore-keeper or whatever the hell but the whole joining a cult of space pirate assassins seemed more your thing.”

 

Cult of space assassins. _Oh._ Fuck. He needed to talk to Loki. _Brother why didn’t you-_

 

“Let me know if you find him, he didn't look too good. He seemed terrified, all shaky and then you know, poof!”

 

“Yeah.” Thor got up, ideas and _where could he be_ running through his head. “Th-Thank you Val. I will. Go talk to him, I mean. Enjoy your breakfast.”

 

_Oooooh more talking, love that. Doing a lot of that lately aren’t we? And look where it’s gotten us!_

“Shut. Up.” Thor muttered, glancing around the lobby of the ship, at the dining hall entrance far behind. Nobody. Good.

 

Someday he was going to write a book. Call it “Having the god of Mischief as a brother, Chapter 2: When he turns himself invisible and makes snarky comments so often, you get sent to the mind healers.”

 

Siblings. They do things to your head.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Thor found Loki in his room. He was sitting rigidly in a chair, eyes fixed on a diagram in his lap. 

 

“You do realize that the ship won’t catch fire the moment I leave your sight” Loki said, without looking up. 

 

“I do.”

 

“Why are you here then, hmmm? I told you I would figure out a way to block the tesseracts signal, didn’t I? Unfortunately such things take time.”

 

“I know, I just wanted to see….To make sure….” Thor sighed. “I just wanted to check if you were alright, is all. I am glad you are working on the design, but I do trust you enough to know that without being here.” 

 

Loki did look up at Thor, then. The corner of his mouth pulled up in an expression half way between a smirk and a grimace. 

 

“And why, pray tell, would I not be. Do I appear to be doing poorly? I thought we had agreed that I would tell you if there were any issues.” 

 

_ Why do you always have to make this about me trusting you when you won’t even talk to me about what is so obviously wrong.  _

 

“Val said-”

 

Thor paused, considering his words carefully. 

 

_ Never do think before you speak, do you brother?  _

 

Now that Loki had pointed it out, he did not seem to be as affected as Valkyrie claimed. In fact, if anything, he looked healthier than he had in weeks, a softness in his cheeks and a glimmer in his eye that had been lost to sleeplessness and skipped meals. The room, similarly, was spotless, not a paper or a book out of place. 

 

_ Too still too still too still not a loose movement or a single twitch not a hair out of place  _

 

“Ah Valkyrie.” Loki’s voice cut through Thor’s thoughts, practically dripping with derision. 

 

“What  _ did _ the annoying scrapper say, to send you here at this hour worrying over my well being? Was it about waking me up? She should know better, after being on that trash heap for so long. Have you ever had to wake up a hungover tentacle monster?” 

 

Loki smiled, a distant look in his eyes, as if reminescing about some funny memory. “Its not an easy task, I can tell you that much. And one does learn to be careful, in places such as Sakaar, never know what mihht turn up when you least expect…” 

Thor had stopped listening to Loki’s reamblg, as, despite the calm tone and the agressive aura of NothingIsWrogGoAwayNothingIsWrongThorLeave - that was just it. Something  _ was  _ wrong, off, worrylingly so, just like everything about Loki had been lately.

 

_ Everything in the room is perfect you look well at the crack of dawn yes you have always been a morning person but you don’t look like a morning person who fought a Valkyrie in the last hour much less one who was recently asleep  _

 

Loki shuddered dramatically, pulling Thor out of his thoughts. 

 

“Nasty stuff. Anyway, if you’re done fretting over nonexistent problems-“ Loki got up, making to walk past Thor into the hall “-I really should be going-”

 

Thor moved to block his path, and noticed Loki’s eyes widen, just a little.

 

 “Thor, what-”

 

“Nonexistent, was it?” 

 

“Yes! I reacted badly, and for that I’m sorry, but she really should have known not to go poking sleeping sorcerers with pencils before anyone on the ship is even thinking about being awake. So if you’ll just be reasonable and  _ excuse me-” _

 

Loki tried to slide past Thor again, and this time Thor did grab him, holding his wrist almost too tightly. Thor did not miss his flinch, yet almost instantly Loki began to twist and struggle, pulling at his grip.

 

“What in Ydrassil- Thor, concern is one thing but this- aaah- let me go you bumbling oaf- what do you think to get out of this ridiculous notion you hold, I’m fine, I told you, but I am also very  _ busy  _ so if you would  _ just _ -”

 

_ Good, at least you can move, can react, not still as a statue, still as the dead what happened to you brother- _

 

“Loki.” Thor said calmly. “Take off your illusion.”  

 

Loki froze. 

 

And what had been only a suspicion before had been confirmed by his hold on Loki’s wrist. Loki’s much thinner wrist, that made him worry he would crush the bones in his fist if this struggling continued. 

 

“Brother please.” 

 

Loki was not even looking at him now, eyes fixed intently on the ground near their feet, all the fight seemed to have drained out of him at once, leaving him swaying slightly, and hollow.

 

“I did not come to mock, or to smother you with unnecessary concern. You asked me to see you before, to listen for once in my life. I am trying, and I have no wish to see you hurt, or do you wrong. We promised at the start of this journey to be open with each other, but I can not do this alone. I do not wish to.” 

 

Loki had stopped swaying now, stopped breathing almost entirely. If Thor had not been able to feel the steady pulse in his grip, he would be worried that he held a corpse. 

 

Slowly, as if not to startle a wounded beast, Thor loosened his grip, and Loki’s arm fell limply to his side. Still Loki did not move, did not even indicate he had heard him. 

 

But as Thor stood debating what to do, he caught a glimpse of red out of the corner of his eye, and raised his hand to his face. 

 

It was covered in blood. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, this chapter has actually been written and edited since January, but life has been really chaotic, and I got stuck on what was supposed to happen in Chapter 4, and so I was hesitant to post this until I figured out where the rest of the story was going, in case I had to change something. 
> 
> This is also the first multi chapter story I've ever attempted, and I'm sort-of figuring it out as I go, so I was anxious about updating because I worried that the chapters aren't cohesive or don't make sense. Any feedback is really appreciated. 
> 
> At this point I have three more chapters written, and a vague outline of where I want this story to go. Updates will still be sporadic but.....not 6 months apart this time. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally posted this chapter two days ago, then panicked and deleted it because I realized there was a lot to change if I wanted this story to make sense. So. I'm back! 
> 
> I kept getting stuck because I felt like the first part of the series and then this fic did not fit together as one story. (Largely because I wrote them 8 months apart, lol.) I still kind of feel like that, but I've adjusted it as best I can without being able to significantly alter Still As Death, so if the hints or something seem not to line up, sorry. I decided that it was better to have a weird change in story focus than to discontinue this all-together, which I was also considering. 
> 
> But overall I'm having fun writing this, and it seems like people are actually reading it, which is, the cOOLest thing, so I'm going to finish my weird pieced together story of Brodinsons feelings 101, even if it takes a while. 
> 
> Also quick note about the chapter: If you've never read Harry Potter, google what "Splinching" is real quick before you read this. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

“Loki what-”Thor lowered his hand just as a golden light began at Loki’s head, shimmering down to his feet in an instant, taking the glamour with it. 

 

Where before Loki had been eerily still but visibly uninjured, there was now a deep gash running from the middle of his right palm down to his elbow, sluggishly oozing blood which coated Thor’s hand. 

 

“Splinched.” Loki was not looking at him, instead staring at the ground as if enough willpower would get it to swallow him whole, and if they had not been standing so closely Thor would not have heard him at all. 

 

“This is from teleporting? You haven’t had issues with this in years. What happened?” 

 

“Yes well teleporting around Asgard and such is quite different than trying to rearrange your atoms aboard a vessel where your target location is moving at lightspeed…..”

 

He still hadn’t answered the question.  
 

“Oh. Well. Hence your no teleporting on the ship rule?” 

 

“Yes Thor. It was stupid of me. Thank you for the acknowledgement.” 

   

Not knowing what to say to that, Thor turned and began guiding Loki down the hallway. 

“That’s not what I meant. I was just surprised is all, you must have been quite disoriented to teleport like that. We should get you to the healers. ” 

 

“It’s fine Thor.”

 

“You don’t need to stay long, just let them bandage it, 

 

Oh stop struggling, would you! What’s so bad about the healing halls anyway? 

 

“I just- No.” Loki’s voice was tense, face blank. He shuffled backwards, trying to twist out of Thor’s grip. “Really Thor, please? It’s nothing. You’re overreacting. Just let me-”

 

“Overreacting? You’re bleeding everywhere!” Thor growled, with more malice in his voice than he really meant. 

 

Loki flinched, hard. “Its not- It’s really….Thor. Just. Listen…”

 

With Loki pulling back from him, easily startled, looking on the verge of just giving up to curl into a ball in the middle of the hallway, Thor almost relented. Almost. 

 

“No, Loki,” He began, and if Loki tensed even further at the unfortunate phrasing, Thor pretended not to notice, 

 

“ _You_ listen. If you don’t want to talk to me about what set you off, that's _fine_ ” Thor paused, pinching the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut, emphasising the word as if convincing Loki would allow him to convince himself as well. 

 

“But just because you always want to pretend that nothing is wrong, doesn’t mean that I have to let you.”

 

No response. 

 

Loki didn’t want to talk about it. Loki never wanted to talk about it. And, if Thor had learned anything during the last thousand or so years of being an older brother, if Loki was committed to not talking about something, hell would freeze over before Loki admitted anything was amiss. 

 

This was the idiot who once insisted he was fine while they both stood in the middle of his room while it was on fire, after all. 

 

“It’s fine, and I won’t make you do anything because I know I can’t” Thor continued, genuinely dragging Loki now, “But I’m tired of you lying to my face that nothing is wrong when you’re bleeding all over the floor, so at least let me bandage your damn arm.” 

 

Loki was silent the rest of the way there. 

 

* * *

 

 

When he came back to the healing ward later that day, after leaving to resolve some dispute he could scarcely remember, Loki was gone. 

 

Acute sleep deprivation, they had said. Malnourished, certainly, the healer had remarked,

 

Their only healer besides Loki, fresh faced, worried, and younger than Thor himself by a couple hundred years at least, 

 

He needs rest, she had said, between nervous glances between the brothers, 

 

Maybe, uh. Perhaps the rations could be adjusted a bit, just for a week or so, for him and a few of the smaller children, 

 

She refused to look at him, hands held up almost defensively, 

 

Odin had always seemed a benevolent king, to Thor, but he grew more suspicious each time he saw the way people acted when offering even a small suggestion. 

 

“Of course, I’ll send word to Val, thank you.” 

 

She ran off with no response. Ah the perks of being King. 

 

He turned to stare at the empty beds. 

 

Sleep deprivation he had guessed, but malnourished? Asgard was not so cruel as to not feed it’s prisoners, and even then! Loki had had years masquerading as Odin, able to eat whenever and whatever he wanted. 

 

 _That may be the problem_ , hissed the voice. Nobody would think to question Odin of all people on his eating habits, or lack thereof, especially when it could so easily be dismissed as grieving. Damn you Loki. 

 

Maybe he could find a blanket large enough to tie Loki up in. You know. Like those videos of disgruntled cats the Midgardians were so fond of. Just until he agreed to sleep for once. Maybe eat a sandwich or something. 

 

_You’re the older brother Thor, you have to be more responsible,_

 

_But Moootheeeer, It’s not my fault Loki fell off the horse, I was just-_

 

_Thor!_

 

* * *

 

 

 _Thor_  

 

_Thoooooorr_

 

“Thor,”

 

“I don’t know what to _do_ Brun! He’s only getting worse and the idiot still won’t talk to me, I’ve barely seen him since last week,”

 

“ _Thor,_ ”

 

 “-He’s definitely not eating, I never see him asleep, he insists that nothing is wrong even after he teleported on a moving ship, he could haveGottenHimselfKilled-”

 

“THOR”

 

Thor stopped talking and turned around to where Brunhilde was perched on a lounge chair, a log of food and trading resources sitting unmarked in front of her. Right. 

 

_Because he was such a good king that he couldn't manage even the most basic of duties…. oh Father would be so proud._

 

_Stop trying to be like him!_

 

“If you’re going to ask me for advice you need to actually, you know. Listen to me.”

 

Thor nodded mutely, wishing he could just go grab Loki and shake him, force him to give up whatever was so bothersome before it became another intergalactic incident- 

 

“Did you ever work in the healing halls, back on Asgard?” 

 

Thor stared blankly at her, unable to decipher her expression and suppressing his frustration at the seemingly abrupt change of conversation topic. He knew he was being irritating, but it’s not like he could help it, and Loki certainly wasn’t going to. 

 

“No” He replied, deciding that at least going along with whatever Brun wanted to speak to him about would get his mind off of shaking his (for some reason perpetually shaky) brother. 

 

“I received basic war medic training, as part of weapons instruction. So i suppose…. but no. Apprentinceships in the healing halls required more Seidr than I was ever able to manifest, and even if i had, I was the crown prince by then and so had other duties…..

 

Why are you looking at me like that” 

 

Brunhilde had sat up at this point, the papers placed on the table beside her so that she could rest her hands on her knees, staring him down with an experssion that was the strangest mix of irritation, amusement, and…..

 

….pity? 

 

“What” He nearly growled.

 

 This had been going on for weeks now, only getting worse lately. Brun would refuse to offer advice on Loki, take his paperwork and do it for him, ask some cryptic questions about Asgard’s views on mental health since she had been gone, who the head healer had been, what Thor knew about it, and, to Thor’s complete confusion, nearly endless questions about what Loki had been doing prior to being imprisoned. 

 

Trying to take over a planet, Thor had replied, 

 

Going mad.

 

Screaming things I did not understand and then dissapearing, only to come back more unrecognizable.

 

 Insisting on stealing the Tesseract, a relic with the power of spacial manipulation, which seemed the most bizzare thing for Loki to be after, seeing as he was the creator of and so far the only known sorcerer capable of world walking….

 

This was getting them nowhere. 

 

Thor stood up. 

 

“I’m going to go talk with Heimdall. We’re running low on bathing supplies and will need to port soon, we can probably trade some of the ornate clothing we found in the main suite….” 

 

“You should talk with your brother.” 

 

Thor nearly screamed. “It is not as if I have not been _trying_.” 

 

Brunhilde snorted. “Yeah, no. I mean talk _with_ him not at him.” 

 

She paused, as if trying to decide if she wanted to continue. 

 

“Look, If Loki doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s not my place to do it for him. I barely know the guy, and I spent the first half of knowing him trying to sell his pretty face to the highest bidder. It’s…. really not my place. 

 

Hell, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, and I don’t know either of you well enough to confirm, but, I also have eyes, and plenty of experience with assorted ways of being fucked up. If I had to wager, I’d say none of this has much to do with you at all, actually, and honestly it’s the opposite of Loki doing anything on purpose.  

 

Just. Seriously, Thor. He’s not actually that hard to find, just look carefully for once.” 

 

Thor turned away again, tired of her cryptic answers. This was getting him nowhere, and he really did need to schedule a trade stop for some damn soap. The ship’s meager population was in tight quarters, and norns knew this was not something that they could afford to ration until Earth. 

 

“Oh, and Thor, if you are going to talk to Heimdall, try asking him what he knows about war fetters, I’m sure he’s looked into the healing halls a few times over the centuries.”

 

War fetters? The ailments that overcame feebleminded warriors, or children exposed to soon to battles? The warriors he, Sif, and Hogun had jokingly dubbed the ‘Senile Screamers’, in an effort to take the discomfort out of seeing elderly warriors wandering the halls, breaking out in unexpected screaming fits before being whisked away by healers for a few days, only for it to repeat a few weks later? 

 

The disease that was rarely seen in Asgard since the war with Jotunheim, which was dismissed by most as an unfortunate side effect of the Great War’s demand for warriors outpacing the supply of readily trained men, leaving those unworthy of the glory of battle forever stuck a little bit mad, using up healing resources as they were sequestered out of sight until they finally died already? 

 

 _That’s_ what she wanted him to ask Heimdall about? Sure Brun. 

 

“Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll keep it in mind” he muttered.

  


* * *

 

 

It was nearly another two weeks before he saw Loki again, the trade stop long come and gone. He had, after some deliberation, asked Heimdall to tell him more about the War Fetters, if only out of curiosity and a need for distraction. It was about as useful as a daisy against a rainstorm.

 

He had had to negotiate the trade on his own, his brother nowhere to be seen again, despite promising to not be so flighty in his loyalties this time around. _Damn you brother-_

 

Except that was not entirely true. Though he never saw Loki, who had apparently shrouded himself from Heimdall’s gaze, none of the tasks assigned to the sorcerer seemed to go amiss. 

 

The paperwork, needing more knowledge of inter- realm court politics than Thor could stand, appeared, annotated and organized by subject, on Thor’s desk about twice a week. 

 

The ships populace, who for nearly a month had been squabbling over resources and rooms, with no cohesive systems or records to speak of, had suddenly been delegated to rooms based on family size and need, with ration cards shoved under doors and a correlating inventory of every resource on the ship appearing in Thor’s room soon after, his brothers scrawly handwriting covering the margins with suggestions of which resources could be stretched and which should not, when food would spoil, special requests for pregnant mothers, and so on. 

 

_Fine, brother, at least I know you’re still here somewhere._

 

The thought brought Thor more comfort than he was willing to admit. 

 

_If you were here, I might even give you a hug._

 

_I’m here._

 

Thor shook his head. Now was not the time for pointless sentiment. He had asked Loki to speak to him, they had come to an agreement, even, and if Loki insisted on hiding away like a child, well, it wasn’t his fault Loki was in the shadows now was it. 

 

_I remember a shadow. Living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss - I, who was and should be king!_

 

_I only ever wanted to be your equal!_

 

“Shut. Up!” Thor muttered, quickly realizing he had said that out loud and glancing around the hall in a panic, relieved to find it empty. 

 

Rumors about the King of Asgard going mad would be just what they needed right now. 

 

Norns he needed to rest. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The draft of the next chapter is 80% written, so it should be up in 2 weeks at the latest.


	4. Chapter 4

Thor was so deep in his thoughts that he nearly didn’t notice the second set of breaths until he had turned his back to the room to shut the door. His shoulders tensed. 

 

Lightning crackled at his fingertips as he turned to face the seemingly empty room.

 

“Show yourself,” Receiving no response, Thor moved slowly towards the bed, covered in a messy pile of blankets just as he had left them, and paused. 

  
  
  


“Loki?” He leaned closer, letting the electricity gathered in his palms dissipate as he inspected the waves of black hair just barely peeking out from under a pile of blankets. 

 

> _ “Why do you sleep all wrapped up like that, isn’t it hard to breathe?”  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “I don’t know. It’s comfortable, leave me alone Thor.” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “I think my real brother died and got replaced with a cat.” _

 

“Of course you would be here of all places, right when I was actually looking forward to using my bed for once.” Thor sighed, amused despite himself. “What’s wrong with your own bed, anyway-”

 

As he spoke, Thor grabbed the blankets, preparing to pull them off as he had done hundreds of times before, 

 

> _ “ThooooooOOOOOOOAAAR! You bastard! What do you waaaant” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “It’s nearly noon, what are you, some fair maiden in need of excess beauty sleep? Father says-” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “I don’t give A Damn what father says, they had me shelving inventory ‘till sunrise, I damn well deserve to sleep after five thousand copies of ‘A Beginners Guide to Dirt Categorization, Alfheim Edition’. Now fuck off before I turn your cape collection into roosters again...”  _

 

When suddenly the air was shoved out of his lungs as he hit the floor and Norns that hurt and  _ what the _ - 

 

Thor looked up at Loki, hair still tangled from sleep and eyes strangely unfocused, straddling him on the floor and ohByValHAlla _ ThatsAKNIFE _

 

He barely twisted out of the way as one of Loki’s daggers made a deep gash in the floor where his forehead had been seconds before,

 

“LOKI!” 

 

Before he could continue he was being lifted off his feet again, slammed against the wall this time, and all he could process was how badly the arm holding him up was shaking- 

 

“Loki! Loki? Brother it’s me! What are you doing?!!” He gripped Loki’s arms, hesitant to use much force when there was something obviously off..

 

His sibling froze, knife still held tightly against Thor’s throat, breathing strangely loud and much too fast, 

 

“Loki?” Thor could barely get the name past the pressure in his throat, but his brother was still not moving, not responding, and despite Loki’s eyes being locked on his Thor had the strangest feeling of not being seen at all- 

 

Suddenly Loki gasped as if he had been the one with a hand around his neck, still shaking so hard Thor wondered how he was standing at all, and let him go. 

 

Thor sank to the ground, taking deep breaths as he rubbed his throat. There was a slow trickle of blood, but nothing major, and right now Loki clearly needed, well, something, but - 

 

“Loki what in the Realms?! What was that?” He couldn’t quite keep the anger out of his voice, and Loki flinched, hard. 

 

At least it was a reaction. 

 

Then he looked up. 

 

Loki’s expression was uncharacteristically wary, his stance still tense and crouched, leaning towards Thor but half turned, on his toes, and even if his brother seemed more mentally present there was still something very wrong. Thor was reminded of a young wounded bilgesnipe he had stumbled upon once, of watching it huddle in the corner, terrified, but also being very aware that it could bite his entire head off if it was desperate enough.

 

He tried to think of what Heimdall had said about the warriors in the healing halls, what was it that the nurses had done?...ah. 

 

Feeling out of his depth but also very stupid, as if Loki was going to snap out of it and laugh at him for being a fool any second, Thor lowered his voice,

 

“.....Loki? Brother, what’s wrong? It’s me, Thor. You….We’re on the Commodore, remember? You’re uh. safe. Nobody is attacking you. You’re safe, we - ”

 

For a second it seemed like it was nearly working, but just as the word safe passed his lips, Loki inhaled sharply, and Thor was thrown back against the wall again, ice creeping up his arms to pin him there. 

 

What the-

 

As the ice continued to spread, turning into fast growing spikes that barely avoided Thor’s head, a dark shade of blue spread out from Loki’s hands, up to his face until Thor was staring into bright red eyes. 

 

….Oh.

 

In any other circumstance Thor would have been delighted that Loki chose to wear his Jotun skin, taking it as a sign that maybe Loki had grown more comfortable with the aspect of his adoption that Thor still did not know how to bring up, much less talk about. 

 

But this was not any other circumstance, and the spikes of ice continued to creep towards his face, and Loki, well, Loki was…...laughing? 

 

If it could be called that, this strange, hitching noise that bordered on hysteria and which more than anything else that had happened so far made Thor want to shake Loki and ask “Sincerely, what the fuck”, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, Loki did instead, his voice was no less disconcerning than his laugh, 

 

“I’m not falling for it - I- I won’t I’m not! There’s nothing you can do any...more don’t you- don’t you get it?!” Between his words Loki continued his strange, shaky, breathy laughter, but the spikes of ice had reached Thor’s chin and stopped growing, at least, although they were unnaturally cold and after a few seconds they  _ burned, Loki stop! _

 

> _ Don’t let them touch you! _

 

“This got old months ago, Ebony, I’m not an _ idiot, _ ” Loki snarled, and despite all the anger and maniacal giggles Loki still managed to sound like he was about to cry, 

 

“What’s going on, Loki it’s me! It’s Thor, your brother? Nobody is attacking you could you please just-” Thor backed up, trying to melt some of the ice by calling lightning but of course it wouldn’t respond when he needed it- 

 

> _ Maybe if you had listened to me when I was “rambling” about magic and the need for concentration when we were growing up it would be a bit easier for you to get used to this whole lightning thing, _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Really Thor, you got lucky to unlock it with Hela, but even elemental magic needs to be trained, see, just follow my hands... _

 

“Oh will you shut up!” And Loki was actually screaming now, stalking towards Thor, ice crawling up his own arms, “He’s! Not!  _ Here! _ Thor isn’t here! You  _ won’t  _ trick me again, I’m not falling for another damned test or trial for the sake of  _ sentiment _ , Thor’s not coming,  _ NOBODY IS COMING _ , because why Odin risk his golden son for a jotun runt and a murderer!”

 

The ice leapt up with Loki’s words, filling the room and hardening all around Thor, and Loki was crying, his eyes not seeing Thor at all, managing to look terrified and furious at once, but before he could respond, or try to act, the frost covered Thor’s mouth, into his ears and nose, he couldn’tBreatheAnd _ I’mGoingToGetKilledByMyOwnBrother- _

 

Thor barely heard the sounds of shouting and a door kicked open before the ice finished covering his head and everything was silent. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A consistent updating schedule has been taken out back and shot. 
> 
> Also I was just trying to indent the flashback bits I didn't want them to have the block quote line but I do not!! Understand how le formatting works on here and I'm tired of messing with it.


	5. Chapter 5

He woke to the sound of low murmuring, but didn’t move. Recent memories returned slowly, and, oh, that’s probably why his body felt like it had been doused in acid, Loki what in the nine-

“He’s awake, Bruce.”

Brun? He tried to turn his head to look at the speakers, and immediately regretted it as pain shot down his spine.

“You might not want to move much, your majesty,” Brunhilde stood above him, looking more worried than he had ever seen her thus far.

“What happened?”

“Bruce heard yelling, and a thud. He came to get me.” She glanced behind her, where Thor could just make out Bruce, crouched down and murmuring something softly.

“We had to kick down that damned door, it was covered in ice.” Her gaze sharpened. “You know when you mentioned your brother was adopted, I didn’t think you meant _from another realm._ ”

Thor grimaced. “Well. I suppose I should have expected something like this from Odin. Really into that whole turning children into weapons thing isn’t he.”

Thor chose to ignore that particular discussion, for the time being, instead focusing on pushing himself upright. After watching him make a few futile attempts, he heard a muttered “Stubborn idiots, both of you,” and almost fast enough to make him black out again, Thor was upright and being set gently against the wall.

“You have frostbite. Over, well, all of you, really, but your healing seems to be taking care of it, the ice shattered easily once we…”

But Thor scarcely heard the rest of what she said, because now that he was upright he could see what Bruce had been murmuring about, or rather, at who.

Across the room, Bruce was crouched on his knees, hands held out in front of him, speaking softly to what Thor knew to be Loki, though all he could see of his brother were his hands in his hair, as he was curled in a ball up against the wall, showing no sign of acknowledging Bruce.

“....What…..”

“He thought he had killed you,” Brun spoke so softly Thor could barely hear her, but it felt like she had screamed it, “He wasn’t close, of course, his ice isn’t formed correctly, at least from what I remember of the Jotuns, so it didn’t harm you nearly as much as it would have if he had known what he was doing.”

“He didn’t,”

“What?”

“He didn’t. Know what he was doing. He wasn’t making any sense Brun, I don’t know who he was addressing but it was all ...off…”

“Yeah, I figured something like that would happen.”

“What!?” And if Thor never had to repeat that word again it would be too soon,

“Well he, uh, threw a knife at Heimdall's head two days ago.”

For a second Thor could only gape at her, “And you didn’t think to tell me this _WHY_ ”

“He asked us not to.” She glanced down at him, “It was a similar thing to this time, the whole, obviously not recognizing anyone and such, though it didn’t get nearly as far, he recognized Heimdall pretty quickly. Well, after trying to knife him in the head. Still. I made Loki a deal, figured it was better than trying to force him into something and just having him disappear completely this time.

I wouldn’t tell you about what I saw if he agreed to take a nap. Lack of sleep always makes this sort of thing worse.”

“You’re speaking as if you know what’s going on here,”

“Don’t I always?” She replied with a lopsided grin,

Thor only glared back.

“Okay, okay, yeah, I do. I just figured It’s the sort of thing - I mean- I’m not anyone’s therapist, and you both had stuff going on that I couldn’t even - so it just - Aaah fuck it!” She put her head in her hands, muffling her voice slightly,

“Someone fucked with your brothers head,”

“Yes, I gathered that,”

She picked her head up to turn and glare at him, “No, you really didn’t, not even when he essentially told all of us what’s going on. Or you wouldn’t have been so obtuse about everything I’ve been suggesting.

Someone fucked with your brother’s head,” She emphasized each word by jabbing her hands into the air, “and, for some reason that I actually haven’t figured out, the Tesseract is making said fuckery worse, though it could be the signature, magical objects tend to mess with their keepers minds, powerful ones most of all, but you know, it could also just be the fact that the guy who's after it is also the one who hurt your brother, so, trauma loves a reminder, and-”

“The one who... is after... wait - Brunhilde, what?” Except even without a response, as her glare went from regular annoyed to wanting to strangle him, Thor knew,

 

_-he essentially told all of us what’s going on-_

_“Waking screaming, disoriented” He remembered, Heimdall eyeing him strangely “They had to be held down, lest they injure healers and themselves alike while not knowing where they truly were. But I’m sure you’ve heard the stories. Why the sudden interest?_

_“The Valkyrie sent me.” Thor had replied, a bit irritated at only being told again what he already knew._

_You just didn’t want to hear it, to have to deal with anything, just wanted your brother back but not really, you just wanted a shadow,_

_And Loki had told them, hadn’t he, though not so clearly because when would Loki ever admit vulnerability in so many words, but Thor remembered_

_Telling you he had the tesseract, eyes darting around the room as if the walls themselves were going to jump at him, urging that_

_“We have to get to earth as fast as possible, the tesseract has, ah, a signature, of sorts, well-”_

_Talking about urgency and running and a monster Thor scarcely remembered from childhood storybooks, hadn’t Thanos and his armies been trapped outside of the known realms by Bor…._

_“We can’t let him get it, Thor, we can’t, it’s not safe, he’s coming, he won’t stop for anything, please,”_

_And Thor couldn't tell if in those words Loki referred to the tesseract or himself,_

 

His thoughts must have shown on his face, because Brun’s expression softened.

“Listen, it’s not that bad. I’ve been trying to talk to him for weeks, hell, I have experience with it, my . . . former partner definitely had experience with it, I’m no stranger to being attacked by people who don’t even see you when they’re staring right at you, but, well, this isn’t the kind of thing that can be quickly fixed, exactly, just worked on. And for that you have to, you know, acknowledge it.”

“I really don’t know what I’m doing,”

“Oh yeah. I know.”

Thor scowled.

Brun raised her hands, lips turned up slightly, and said, “What? I do. Also, you might want to start with telling your brother you’re not dead?”

 

* * *

 

 

Bruce David Banner had 7 Ph.D.’s and he was still definitively, firmly, absolutely, sure as hell _not this kind of doctor._

This is what I get for falling asleep while listening to Tony, he thought, which wasn’t the most helpful of regrets to be having while trying to calm down an armful of shaking, sobbing demigod.

And he still didn’t even know what all this was _about_! After hearing what sounded like fighting above his room, Bruce had gone to get Val, figuring it was another fight over rations or something and being very aware that he was very much not intimidating in this form. So. Val.

What he had not been expecting was bursting through a frost-covered door, into a room so cold it hurt to breathe, to find Icicle-Thor on one side and curled up, sobbing Loki on the other.

After breaking Thor out of the ice with a blowtorch that Val acquired suspiciously fast, determining that he was covered in a minor case of frostbite but that Val knew more about Asgardian biology than he did, Bruce had gone over to check on their other resident alien.

Which had been about the weirdest experience Bruce had had all year, and that was saying something.

“I didn’t fail” Loki had muttered, voice reedy and hands grasping at his hair, “See, I did it. I did it, you didn’t think I could but I’m- I’m not ruled by sentiment. See. It’s over now. Let me...let me out...”

Bruce had met crazy Loki, bag full of cats New York Loki, debatably good and a bit too dramatic Sakaar Loki, vaguely out of it and obviously a ball of trauma Ship Loki, but whatever this was, he was not this kind of doctor.

Well. Nobody else on this ship was either, he supposed.

“Hey, What did you “do”? I don’t understand.” When Loki only continued to mutter without responding to him, Burce changed tactics.

“Okay, got it. Not all here right now. But hey. Everything is fine? See.” he spread his arms, crouched as if approaching an injured animal, but he could already feel the Hulk grumbling underneath. He liked Loki well enough at this point, especially when it came to discussions of science, but he was seeing a bit too much of himself reflected right now and the Hulk tended to react strongly to anyone who reminded him of Bruce. He glanced over at Val, trying to ask for assistance, but she was focused on getting sheets of ice off of an unconscious Thor. Wonderful.

“Thor is right there, he’s fine, you’re fine, me and Val are here…We’re on the Statesman, see? In Thor’s room, it’s...well I actually don’t know what day it is but...”

Loki’s eyes focused on him slowly, and Burce let out the breath he had been holding. But then Loki’s gaze drifted to the side, towards where Bruce knew Thor and Val to be, then jerked back as if burned.

“No no No NoNoNoNONONO” Loki gasped, almost choking on his words and shuffling back to press himself into the wall, hands curling into his hair, “He’s dead he’s dead dead dead deadDeadDeadDeadDeadDead,” he continued muttering, rocking slowly back and forth, and when Bruce tried to loosen his grip on his hair, Loki only flinched and continued his litany.

After a few minutes of alternating between trying to get Loki to focus on him, failing, and reminding the Hulk that _yes_ , Loki reminded him of eight year old Bruce, but _no_ , there were not any Brian Banner’s on this ship,and _NO_ , smashing would reeealy not be helpful right now, and then,

“Loki?”

And Thor was there, thank God, because Bruce had avoided going the psychology route for this exact reason, too much empathy, too much of himself and oh boy being able to relate to someone reeeealy did not mean that he was cut out to deal with emotions, and Hulk was muttering about wanting to hug ‘Puny God’ which sounded like the worst idea in the history of Ideas so - “Hey, okay, I’m just going to. Leave. Yeah. Gotta…bye...”

Both the Asgardians ignored him, Thor speaking too softly for Bruce to hear, though he had managed to stop Loki from pulling his hair out.

Bruce backed up quickly, almost tripping on his own feet on the way out.

If he wasn’t that kind of Doctor, the Hulk definitely wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a filler chapter and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but next chapter things start actually happening so I'm ready to move on. Also I finally fixed the weird double spacing issue, hurray! 
> 
> I have a giant metaphorical hug for everyone who has left kudos/comments/bookmarks, and to anyone who has read this at all! This whole fic is very much a *okay so can I actually write coherently enough for a multi chapter fic or not*, so thank you so much for sticking with me while I figure stuff out, I hope you like it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYYY so this chapter and the next one are recaps of whats happened so far, but from Loki's perspective because 1 maximum angst potential and 2- Thor can't find him for half the fic and I needed a way to add detail into whats happened so far before we move on with the plot. 
> 
> Also, if you haven't read the first part of this series (Still As Death) its relevant here so you might want to go read it. 
> 
> But also, warnings for self harm, suicidal ideation, and Loki's head in general. Seriously.

Step one, unleash Surtur. Done. Great. Wonderful.

Step two.

Step…...two……

He was running back the way he had come, fires crackling and relics melting all around him, when he felt the faint whisper brush against his mind again.

Loki stopped, tensed, a faint ringing sound in his ears, and the flames must have been growing faster than he thought because it was suddenly harder to breathe, but he couldn’t see any smoke…

He turned to his left, to the innocuous pedestal and there, glowing a faint blue,

_Falling falling falling through stars -_

_No._

He shook his head quickly, flexing his fingers. Just a familiar energy signature, just an all too familiar song from a time he would rather forget. His head was buzzing with static but he couldn’t tell if it was from using up too much energy teleporting here or running or some aftereffects of all the concoctions on Sakaar or . . .

He felt the brush of energy again, more insistent this time, and it was wrong but it was familiar and too much like

_It was supposed to be easy, so simple to let go and fall and fall and just dissolve into nothing (were you ever anything), he wondered if he would turn into stardust but no that would be too similar to a funeral, and to have a funeral was to me missed, to be a person and someone worth remembering and he wasn’t and didn’t want to be better to disappear_

A loud roar sounded from farther within the vault, shaking the ceiling and pelting Loki with bits of rubble, the sensation confusing at first and then pulling him sharply back

Oh. Surtur. Right.

He glanced at the tesseract again. (too close too close much too close) Just an artifact. Just a stupid little box. Nothing that should be so terrifying about it you idiot, no reason to want to run this badly. (Where could you even run to?)

It wasn’t even the right stone. Space, not mind. What had it done, nothing at all to him, just sat there, when everything had been sharp and loud and he tried not to scream-

He squeezed his hands tightly, his fingertips digging into the rough leather across his palms in a familiar gesture, but he really had to stop doing that, stop

(It was for the best, it was such an obvious tell, really, how could he be king of a realm while fiddling with his hands like a scared child, but it wasn’t fear, or it hadn’t been once - )

_Keep still keep still keep still stop squirming don’t scream_

_You are better than this, really, weaknesses are meant to be overcome, I’m just trying to help you_

Loki shook his head, moving to squeeze his arms instead. He had really thought he had gotten better at this, at just staying in his head, but a little stress and a familiar fidget gone wrong and he was gone again, running off who knows where and he would really like to stop it -

Another roar sounded from behind him, much louder this time. Closer.

The tesseracts glow cast light onto his hands, turning them blue, and wasn’t that just a bit-

_Focus_

He had done what he was supposed to, Thor had never asked him to come back to the ship (so he won’t have to kill you himself) He won’t. Loki was useful, he could be useful, if he was just careful, but he could apologize and he had skills, he had tricks and he had brought the ship so maybe they would pretend not to hate him and let him stay (another opportunity to be a kept monster, a feral dog taught tricks, you fall into the role so easily because it’s true, it’s who you are)

He didn’t want to go back, not really. He was so tired.

For a second he thought about it. Staying here. It was pure chance, that he had stumbled upon this stupid little cube. He had tried to forget about it, even as he worked his schemes during his year as Odin, he had not come down here once to check that one of the six most important objects in the universe was still here, still safe, not in the hands of (he wasn’t scared)

Maybe Thor hadn’t meant for him to die. That really wasn’t his style. Implications and trickery, and wouldn't it be so convenient, for the fallen prince to just . . . disappear, he got to be a hero this way, didn’t he, the brother Thor always wanted, saved Asgard but very much dead, so he couldn’t lie and run and hide, couldn’t mess up the image Thor had fixed in his mind, that he could never be if he was alive and real, wouldn’t that be so convenient…..so easy…..

No. That wasn’t Thor’s style (But it is yours)

_Our paths diverged a long time ago_

Stop fooling yourself. If you stay here, it’s your choice, and yours alone. Thor probably just wasn’t thinking, assumed you would get out like you always do (and you can, stop being a coward and just grab the cube, you only have to touch it for a second, what, can’t deal with simple memories without becoming a sniveling mess?)

He could feel the heat on his back now, hear flames crackling loudly in his ears

(I am so tired, so tired of all of this)

(Wouldn’t it just be convenient)

The tesseract pulsed, blue glow expanding, and he wondered if it was sentient enough to know it was in danger, to even care,

But its not is it. Because he could sit here, could lay down, and Loki of Asgard, Loki of nowhere and nothing, would burn, would be remembered for doing something actually useful for once in his life and he could be done, let go and stop existing and wouldn’t it be for the best,

How much would it hurt really? He had been set on fire before, had even died from it, probably (they always brought you back)

_There will be no realm, no barren moon_

He could lay down, would probably end up dead enough that even Ebony with all the mages in the world to siphon energy from could not manage to drag his soul back

But the wretched cube would not burn, infinity stones can’t be destroyed by flames, even magical ones, and then the Mad Titan (can’t even think his name you coward) would be one step closer to his goal, millions would die,

The Asgardians on the ship, so close, drifting in space, would not survive

Neither would the Valkyrie, Bruce, Thor,

-Thor-

He was pulled out of his thoughts this time by the smell of burning flesh, and realized the flames were surrounding him now, crawling up his arms and writhing like snakes, probably had been for a while -

 _Oh damn it all_ (it’s unlikely I’ll live through this anyway)

Just kill Thanos. Just keep it together, stop breaking down over things that aren’t actually there (that never were, you fool) and then you can rest. Simple.

Just kill Thanos, just tear Ebony Maw limb from limb (how do you like it, you sadistic fuck) and then you can dissapear, then you can let go

(If nobody kills you first, if the humans even let you set foot on Midgard, and who could blame them really)

With a quick flick of his fingers to set out the flames creeping up his armor, singing his hair, (Oh, that looks like it’s got to hurt, how long were you standing in a fire and still stuck in your own head, never did remember how to feel things properly did you)

He leapt forward and grabbed the cube, words of a spell long lost to the nine falling from his lips. . .

 

* * *

 

Thor was staring at him.

He seemed to do quite a lot of that lately.

Loki glanced down at himself, but no, the glamour was intact. Just like it had been every one of the million times he had checked since arriving on the ship.

(This wouldn’t be an issue if you could get yourself together enough to cast a basic healing spell)

He had been burned quite badly, it seemed. Maybe he should have been more concerned that he couldn’t bring himself to care. It wasn’t like it hurt.

(Except it did, probably, and he knew it did, knew it should hurt, something he should feel now and definitely should have noticed when he was standing in a room full of flames)

His flesh had been peeling off, charred black in places. No spell in the world could save his boots. (Fire immunity spells were quite a simple casting, it would be difficult to explain the pattern of the burns to any healer. This wasn’t an explosion, or a singe. This was an idiot, the second prince that they let tag along for some reason, who had apparently stood still in a fire as it crept up his legs.)

It wasn’t that all the nerves had been burned past the point of feeling, that was different, Loki would know. The pain is there, constant and refusing to calm, refusing to heal, but distant, like muffled sounds through a wall, and he just couldn’t quite bring himself to notice, to do anything, stuck in a space slightly outside of himself, and if he looked down at his hands and wondered if they were his, if they were real at all, well, it was easy to decide that it didn’t matter, not really,

He had contemplated bringing it up with someone. The wounds that were still refusing to heal, that is. Three days and they refused to even start to close. Not that he couldn’t feel them. He knew, distantly, why he couldn’t feel things anymore. He remembered when it had happened (and how could you forget)

But it was useful, and everything was quiet this way, muffled. Although the not being able to feel pain also meant he didn’t know how to bring himself back, because everything was soft and quiet but sometimes it felt like drowning, like falling, because nothing was real and his own thoughts were so loud and it was too much, too close to falling through the void and a knife through his hand couldn’t make it stop when he had gotten so good at being disconnected from it, nothing could hurt him if it wasn’t actually him at all. . .

It was a bit inconvenient, to say the least. At least before, he had always been able to catch himself, to get his mind to stop running in circles and just _stop,_ and then he could attend whatever meeting with Odin’s council that made him want to crawl out of his skin, or talk to a crowd that would like nothing more than to see the visiting Asgardian delegate burned at the stake, because whenever he felt himself shaking, mind full of cats clawing at themselves to pick every detail of every word apart until reality was a pile of incomprehensible scraps, he could check the glamour and dig his nails into his already bloody hand and the pain would be sharp and sweet and everything was blissfully, thankfully quiet, and he could think.

And if Eir had pursed her lips, glancing at wounds that refused to heal under potions and spells (because magical wounds knew intent and healing was a type of magic, and self-inflicted injuries never did well with mending spells, their creation forged by a need to break) he never faltered with quips about worn tomes with sharp edges and spells that needed blood, just experimenting, leave me alone, and if Heimdall had made underhanded comments about his constant use of glamorous, well, he was the Silvertongue, the Liar Prince, nobody trusted him anyway so why should they be disappointed if they were never even asking for the truth-

But it was. Inconvenient. Even during his year as Odin he had drifted, constantly, waking up with scratches in unknown corridors and even the mask of a grieving King could not quite quell some people’s worry when he checked out mid conversation,

That’s why they had to leave. To be sent away. All-Seeing Heimdall and distrustful, keen-eyed Sif. They would watch his flinches and his dropped words and they would stare too long, and he had gotten better, a little, he _had,_ but it was too little too late and then he was being flung through the Void again and he couldn’t even hear himself scream, and then there was Sakaar and he stopped being real again, didn’t want to be, because Thor was dead and nothing he said mattered, anyway, and even if he was just a well trained mutt pretending to be a person it didn’t mean he wanted to be treated like one (don’t you?)

Thor was speaking to him. Loki stared back. There were noises coming out of his mouth but they didn’t have meaning, just voices rising and falling and oh no was that concern, Thor was walking towards him arms reaching out and no that wasn’t supposed to happen _stop_

Loki took a quick step back and felt his back hit the wall and it burned, because of course it burned, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about this thing that wasn’t even him, that was just flesh, and Thor would fret, and demand things Loki could not give, could certainly not explain. . .

No. Thor did not need to know.

He felt himself saying something, something meant to be reassuring but he couldn’t quite hear what, but Thor had paused now, so that was good.

He checked the glamour on his scent too. Bruce had kept commenting on a singed smell, when he first showed up, and through the haze wrapped around his thoughts Loki had realized what it probably was, and Bruce was observant, worryingly so, but a quick glamour solved the problem.

It was intact. He was safe.

Thor didn’t need to know. Nobody needed to worry. He had to be useful. He wouldn’t let himself fall for soft words and sweet promises, he may not know if they were born of cruel intent or pity but it didn’t matter, they weren’t real, never true and he may be a pathetic mark on existence but he wasn’t stupid enough to trust such kindness twice, not when he knew exactly what he was (traitor, Jotun, liar) and so did everyone else, so this had to be a lie, of course,

_I'm glad you're here, Loki, I’m glad you came back, I’m glad you’re not dead,_

and just because it wasn’t Thor’s style, just because he couldn’t figure out _why_ they were trying to trap him with honeyed words he still knew what it was, what he had to do -

Just be useful. He _is_ useful - has to be, or the illusion will disappear and he will have to leave and no matter how well Loki knows this is all a farce, he is weak

_stop moving stop screaming stay still, what a disgraceful display, we saved you and this is what you do to repay us?_

and needy and pathetic and he wants this to be real, clings to it like a frightened child to his mother's skirts because everything is too bright and too fast and harsh, but they offer kind words and soft touches and the Valkyrie smiles at him, sometimes, Thor hugged him and didn’t seem angry and Loki wishes he could ask for it again, but that would be rude, and irritating and not unobtrusive and useful, tools do not ask for hugs, and he doesn’t want to be here he cannot rest yet, cannot let go yet so please please please let me stay, let me keep the softness for a little while, even when I know it is a lie, please,

Thor was still staring at him.

Loki grinned, but felt the muscles in his face spasm, as if his body had forgotten how to smile (how to make expressions that weren’t forced, constructed, and wasn’t that a part of feeling)

Thor frowned. Loki blinked.

“I don’t know if you’re going to kiss or kill each other, but one of you needs to move so I can get at that booze”

He felt himself flinch at the Valkyries sudden appearance ( _Control yourself. Do not move, be still Loki, be Still - can you listen? You are better than this, Loki, you could be great if you would only let me help you, my child. Be still and listen, stop screaming, It’s your eyes that are gone not your ears,_ stop moving and be still)

He froze up completely, muscles taut and hands splayed out at his sides, and then barely suppressed the urge to retch as he realized what he had done, (trained, like a dog, and yet you still can’t control yourself, can’t stop flinching and crying and wanting to _run and snivel hide_ ) He was shaking so hard it felt like he would fall apart (save them all some trouble, at least)

Loki stumbled as he turned, trying to gather enough of his magic to get him _away away away before they see_ and distantly registered Thor yelping as the Valkyrie lost patience and shoved him out of the way

And then the next thing he knew he was on a rough floor, and his mouth was full of ash - no - dust. He was breathing in dust, and he could hear his uneven breaths in the dark.

_Dark._

He reached out to his left and felt nothing, noth _ing like falling and his feet were on the ground, weren’t they, but why was it dark and how did he get here -_ his thoughts dissolved into static and then there was a loud thud and Loki jumped halfway out of his skin before he realized it wasn’t dark anymore.

There was something warm on his face

There was also a small opening in the dark, fluorescent lights beaming down to a long metal tube running lengthwise in front of him. The remains of the door to the closet, and that is what it was, he had been in a supply closet, lay shattered and singed in pieces across the floor on the opposite side of the hallway.

He had teleported into a supply closet.

Loki reached up to touch his face and his hand came away red. Something smelled faintly of iron.

Why did the supply closet smell like iron?

He should move. Get up. Something is important. What was important? Thor. He had to tell Thor something important.

Loki glanced down at his hand again. _Why is it warm?_ He had to talk to Thor. It was urgent, important. He couldn’t quite think of what it was, head still buzzing slightly and his thoughts winding around each other like snakes, didn’t Thor like snakes -

He felt a dull pain in his arm and glanced down. aH. That was warm too, and red. How curious. Oh, there was quite a lot of it -

Like a rubber band stretched slightly too far and snapped back into place, everything was suddenly much sharper, the fluorescent lights in the hall buzzing loudly, and Loki stared down at the arm that was in fact attached to him, which also happened to be missing a large chunk of flesh. His fingers were clutching his arms, digging into the wound, (that’s probably where the dull aching feeling came from)

He could see something white in it.

(Probably a bone. Your bone, idot. You have bones in your arms. That’s what makes them have a shape. You teleported and splinched because you couldn’t pull yourself together enough to focus, and it’s stupid to teleport on moving vessels anyway)

(Oh he was injured. Well that’s inconvenient. . . )

He had to tell Thor something. He had to tell Thor about the Tesseract.

Loki had the Tesseract.

He felt his breath hitch, stutter, pick up, thoughts swirling around like fallen leaves swirling in wind. He dug his nails into his arm. Shut. Up.

(You have to be useful. Thanos is coming. You brought him here. You have to help kill him. Thor doesn’t deserve to die, Ashard doesn’t deserve to dissapear because you couldn’t kill yourself properly the first time.)

He stood up, swaying slightly before he caught himself on the door frame. Tore off a piece of his cape with less soot that the rest, wrapping it around his arm. Filled his glamour with enough seidr to withstand light touches (Isn’t it fitting that the magic always easiest for you, always available even when you can’t heal yourself, is that of illusions and lies? Isn’t it funny?)

Loki paused. He hadn’t slept since he had arrived. He was covered in soot, and if he messed up, if he gave enough away to get Thor worked up, he might touch him. That would be unacceptable. He had to find a shower. He had to rest, although the idea of actually sleeping was as terrifying as it was enticing, he had to rest. He had to stop shaking, stop leaving himself every other second if he was going to talk to Thor, and probably Heimdall, Val, and Bruce, about the Tesseract.

They were in the middle of nowhere. A few hours wouldn’t be enough time for Thanos to find them. Surely. (And if it was, a few hours difference wouldn’t be enough to prepare them, anyway)

Loki turned and headed towards the living area of the ship. Tomorrow. He would tell Thor about his failures tomorrow.


End file.
